Monday, November 22, 2010

Me vs. the World

Ding Ding... Round Whatever... Here we go again... Me vs. the World... I see you... Sneaking up on me...

The first Earthrise photographed by humansImage via Wikipedia

It’s always something. It’s as if I cannot coexist in the world I find myself living in. It’s as if the world uses its collective powers to screw with me. That’s okay though, just like the times before and the times to come, I will overcome. It’s a war, not a battle, and with every little dilemma, which to be honest seems catastrophic once it arrives, is nothing more but a mere hurdle. Keep plotting you fickle mistress; keep trying, because you won’t win. With each attempt, each play you make, I’m here... Waiting... Ready to go…

I swear this give and take relationship has been a lifelong endeavor. If it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. This is not as simple as to categorize as mere complaining. It’s a realization that continues to drive my conviction. Every time a defining moment arises something goes haywire. Some are simply self-inflicted, never knowing what the outcome could have been. Others were completely out of my control. This cycle will continue, as I assume it does with everyone.

Life, death, life altering moments, decisions with unforeseen consequences made in desperation, acts of God that shape a new course far from the one envisioned. That’s all okay with me. Take what you must. In the end I will still get what seems to be constantly denied.

Who I was, who I am, and what I’ve become is all due to the path I’ve chosen to walk, as varied as its been, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world that I’m battling. The highs and the lows are part of the journey. They are part of the fun. Then anguish, the joy, the mind numbing struggles, the complications, the people involved, the story that has been told and the one that will unfold are all part of this epic struggle between me and the world.

A simplified exaggeration, or a simple truth, who knows... Who cares…? If it propels me to continue onward so be it… The things I’ve wanted to become and what I’ve become will merge in the end. This struggle is more epic than any found in a book, for this is very real, very personal.

It would seem as an extremely egocentric stance if I didn’t truly believe that this struggle has been everything but extraordinary. It has last a lifetime and looks to still do so. It started at birth and is constantly staring me in the face. The one thing it has taught me is that my true strength lies in me. Nothing can derail what I want. I stand strong still, and always have. Sure temporary lapses happen, but that is true for us all. I continue to stand up and dust myself off. For those that get an easy route, I earn it. This is fine by me. I’ll toe the line with anyone, anything, anywhere. Resourceful is what this life has made me. It has prepared me with the necessary tools.

These tools come from a life floating from location to location just long enough to be forgotten. The experiences last a lifetime; the skills absorbed have served me well and shall continue to do so. I just cannot understand why people don’t have the same conviction as me. Perhaps that is what I’m supposed to learn from this. Sharing seems irrelevant, my goals will always been in sight.

I know that can handle anything… I know myself which is half the battle… It’s the rest of this world that is confused… It’s lost in itself, consumed by its own motives and the ones within it…

I may be an afterthought for the time being… just another faceless person in the crowd amongst the masses… That’s fine for now… I just wish I could find a way to stay off the radar of the powers that be… whoever… whatever sees it necessary to continue screwing with the path I walk upon… A mountain is a mere hill in the grand scheme of things… People are just puppets in this play (not all but in large part)… The story wouldn’t be spectacular if it were easy…

Signs of madness… maybe… it’s a staple for me though… If you think you have it bad, even if I think I have it bad, I know others have to be struggling with similar or even greater things… what gives me the right to grow content… to give up on this… to give up on myself… nothing  does… so it will never happen…

I know how bad I want it.... Do you know? 

As Always… Knock Hard… Life is Deaf…
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