Monday, April 18, 2011

On The Outside, Looking In

Flames 1Image via Wikipedia

I've been struggling lately. I’ve battled self-doubt, frustration, restlessness, conformity, the loss of ambition, and even pondered if I should just give in and give up. I’ve grown weary of trying to reason why. The fire still burns bright, but the flames have grown angry. They have grown restless and are tired of battling for new life. This journey has gone off course. The sky seems farther away now, more than ever before. Unlike the end of the sky, where the stars shine their light, this tunnel only grows darker the farther down it I go. I no longer pretend to light the way. I’ve started to go blind. I’ve let the self-doubt, this situation, creep in. It has set up shop, growing roots that seem to feed off of my once proud ambitions.

On this shelf of life you can find my book. The critics have used the word “potential” to describe the story in general. They often discard everything I’ve done so far. The foreword that once was considered intriguing is nothing more than an obituary of a former life. It appears that a once proud boy has become nothing more than an overlooked, faceless man. A man condemned to the turmoil of mediocrity and armed with enough potential to warrant more work with promises of nothing more than slipping farther into obscurity.

There are several pages still to be written. The ending is still unknown. The chapters are getting shorter, the storyline has gotten bland. This is unnerving as the conflict is dull and no change seems to be within sight. This will not be the way my book will be remembered. I will not, cannot allow “them” to win. Life, fate, dreams, and all other motivating factors shall collide in due time.

You can’t beat me. I can only beat myself.

Try as things must, they will still never win. It’s always been an uphill battle. The potential (I hate that word) is just a way of trying to bottle someone. It is a term that means you don’t fit their idea of who you should be. The context is usually meant as a compliment, I know, but that doesn’t change the fact that I use it as fuel. I see it differently.

The current state of things (hell it probably has always been this way) make advancing and doing the right thing two completely different ideas. There seems to be a mold you must fit. One must be willing to assimilate by accepting their demise. Ha, right.

Now what I’ve written above is so, so true. I am growing very weary of this current state of things. I have grown tired of walking in the dark. The senses have started to dull. The blindness would usually bring on a heightened sense of smell, but alas, this is not true. The sense of smell has started dilute from the stench of b/s that seems prevalent these days.

I hate the simple fact that intellectual, social, and economical caste still exist in the workplace and society. I cannot stand that those without passion in their fields of interest claim to be professionals! I find my disgusted by politics. They’re everywhere, in everything, and does nothing more than make people say what they “have” to and do what they would rather not do. I loathe that the sense of right and wrong comes with a disclaimer. Mankind’s self-centeredness will be our downfall. If it is inconvenient for someone, they will immediately oppose the notion rather than see it benefit the whole.  This me first, everyone else later mentality people hold these days has shown its face time and time again.

Look, life gives you lemons and then squeezes with all of its infinite might. It’s up to you to accept the peel or the juice. I’m grabbing a cup. I prefer lemonade of the hard type, but out of the two I’ll take the juice. You feel me?

Time and time again a person gets pushed to the brink. You get wore down, strained, stressed, and on the verge of breaking. But alas, dear friends, that will never happen. I’ll see the challenge and raise the bar. Does this make sense? Does it make senses to see the challenge and continue to slam your head into the wall? Isn’t that the most basic concept of insanity? Perhaps it is. Perhaps that is my end goal. I’ll see my dreams to the end. I’ll never stop seeking for whatever it is I’m looking for. We never truly know what it is, and we’ll know it when we find it. The methods may be different, but this still stands as a simple truth that we all stand on. I won’t give up, give in, or accept anything but success in my grand endeavor. I know I’m going to do something great. I hope you do too.

As Always… Knock Hard… Life is Deaf…
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  1. Been there too many times. I'm feeling pretty good these days, though. I'm glad your post finished on a positive note. I was a little concerned.

  2. Totally understand you, I've been looking at art that was excepted to art museam this season and it just makes me angry, there are so many people with true talent, true vision who tried to get in and were not accepted while those who just picked random things and glued it togather without any thought got in.
    The best thing we can do is not give up. If everyone bends, this world will be dull.

    Fantasy Art